I give up.
I give up!
I give in.
It’s over (you win.)
How is it already MAY… and the END of May, at that?!
Here is a little update on my daily blowjob project…
Oh! And the three lines above are a song lyric, you know the kind that just passes through your mind involuntarily every now and then? This one has been floating through my space since high school.
I gave up.
I did!
I did one month and intended to keep going for the second, (I really did learn A LOT during that month! I was super keen to see what would happen for the year…) but then something happened….
I fell over a little bit.
I crashed.
Giving my husband a blowjob everyday started to feel more like a chore than an act of loving devotion (sidenote: celebrating me for keeping the energy of “loving devotion” going for one whole month!! woo!!!)
But the basic truth is… I got busy!
And when I got busy, I had less space to devote to my own pleasure so I could then devote myself to his pleasure too.
Resentment started building.
“I feel like I’m doing more to put energy into our relationship than you are…”
Which I could carry for a while, but eventually, I couldn’t hold it anymore.
So I released the idea. I don’t even know if I made the conscious choice, or if it fell away on it’s own. And for a while, things between Toff and I were tough! There was a friction between us, which always sends my husband into FIX IT mode. “What are we doing that we need to stop doing? What are we NOT doing that we SHOULD be? What can we gain insight on right now to ensure that this doesn’t happen again…”
But for the first time… our disconnect didn’t bother me.
Perhaps it was just the wisdom of being supremely confident that a relationship that could sustain a whole month of sexual activity of any kind clearly wasn’t in any REAL danger! (have you ever tried it?? My cousin admitted to me that they do SEXtember every year… but fail half way through the month every year as well. “It’s okay,” they reassure one another, “we can try Oral October instead!”)
But this time, when the disconnect hit, I just told Toff, “what if this isn’t something we need to fix? What if it just IS, and all we need to do is see it, acknowledge it, and let it pass? It comes and goes throughout our relationship - and I imagine we’re no different in that regard from everyone else - and what if our effort to change it only serves to make the transition through it more uncomfortable?
Toff ceded that perhaps I was right… we’ve been married for nearly 14 years, and so far none of these phases has successfully ended out relationship. So maybe we could offer ourselves some grace. So we relaxed.
And you know what happened?
Things kept being a little friction-y between us for a while.
(Possibly primarily due to the same friction-causing stressors that effect everyone’s marriages: money, time, and relationships with our in-laws! Ha!! As different as we like to think of ourselves as being…. the same shit trips us up, too!!)
And then….? They settled out.
Life got easy again.
The silences grew smaller as we filled them with more and more familiar chat.
We were on the same page more often with who wanted to what and when (especially in regards to when we wanted sex!) and we both had more energy to extend outward to one another when we needed support or help with something.
(I was still too nervous to try for another round of blow jobs though…)
And while I do think that these little bursts of disconnect, if gone unchecked, can absolutely lead to a distance that feels insurmountable - for us personally, we’re more at the threat of fretting over it too much that we don’t give it space just to heal on it’s own.
Both are totally possible (and I definitely don’t want to encourage anyone to NOT work on their relationship… this is just another example of “choosing your battles.”
Maybe we’ll try the 365 BJ project again one day… I heard recently that in one of the levels of Tantra, that you have to do 900 days of sex!! 900!! AND if you miss one day, you have to start over!!!! Which is so far away from my own “I’m allowed to be human, it’s okay if I miss a day” philosophy. Who knows…. maybe I’m just working up to that.
And you have to start somewhere.
xx
Cara
🍉✨